jokes for all

A kids promise joke

2007-08-14T19:53:00.001-07:00

A kid promissed to his mother that he only watch TV on week days that start with T.
He gave list of those days.
Thanks giving day
Tuesday
Thursday
Today
Tommorrow
Thaturday
Thunday
Teveryday

IT Joke

2007-08-08T18:36:00.000-07:00

CONVERSATION OF AN IT HUSBAND WITH HIS WIFE

Husband: (Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I`m now logged in."
Wife???: Have you brought the grocery?
Husband: Bad command or filename.
Wife???: But I told you in the morning!
Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife???: What about my new TV?
Husband: Variable not found ...
Wife???: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied...
Wife???: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband: Too many parameters...
Wife???: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband: Data type mismatch.
Wife???: You are useless.
Husband: It`s by Default.
Wife???: What about your Salary?
Husband: File in use ... Try later.
Wife???: What is my value in the family.
Husband: Unknown Virus

MORAL: Beware before getting married to an IT pro.

Bharat Mata & her Su-Putras (good Sons)

2007-04-26T21:39:00.000-07:00

Mother India and her sons:
What happens when they mix!!

Bengali
One Bengali = poet.
Two Bengalis = a film society.
Three Bengalis = political party.
Four Bengalis = two political parties.
More than four Bengali's = Countrywide agitation to bring Ganguli into
Team.

Bihari
One Bihari = Laloo Prasad Yadav.
Two Biharis = booth-capturing squad.
Three Biharis = caste killing.
Four Biharis = entire literate population of Patna.

Punjabi
One Punjabi =100 kg hulk named Pinky.
Two Punjabis = Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky.
Three Punjabis = assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds.
Four Punjabis = combined IQ equal to one.

Mallu
One Mallu = coconut stall.
Two Mallus = a boat race.
Three Mallus = Gulf job racket.
Four Mallus = oil slick.

UP Bhaiyya
One UP bhaiyya = a milkman.
Two UP bhaiyyas = halwai shop.
Three UP bhaiyyas = a fist-fight in the UP assembly.
Four UP bhaiyyas = mosque-destruction squad.

Gujju
One Gujju = share-broker in a Bombay train.
Two Gujjus = rummy game in a Bombay train.
Three Gujjus = Bombay's noisiest restaurant.
Four Gujjus = stock market scam.

Andhraite
One Andhraite = chili farmer.
Two Andhraites = software company in New Jersey.
Three Andhraites = Naxalite outfit.
Four Andhraites = song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie.

Kashmiri
One Kashmiri = carpet salesman.
Two Kashmiris = carpet factory.
Three Kashmiris = terrorist outfit.
Four Kashmiris = shoot-at-sight order.

Tamil-Brahmin
One Tam-Brahm = priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple.
Two Tam-Brahms = maths tuition class.
Three Tam-Brahms = queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m.
Four Tam-Brahms = Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara.

Bombayite
One Bombayite = footpath vada-pav stall.
Two Bombayites = film studio.
Three Bombayites = slum.
Four Bombayites = the number of people
standing on your foot in the train at rush hour.

Sindhi
One Sindhi = currency racket.
Two Sindhis = papad factory.
Three Sindhis = duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar.
Four Sindhis = Hong Kong Retail Traders Association.

Marwari
One Marwari = the neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator.
Two Marwaris = 50% of Calcutta.
Three Marwaris = finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis.
Four Marwaris = threaten the Jews as a community.

Haryanvi
One Haryanavi = tube light
Two Haryanavi = agriculture
Three haryannavi= Lathi squad
Four haryanavi = actually just one was enough

Recruiting made simple

2007-04-26T21:20:00.000-07:00

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB?

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.

Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the accounts department.

If they are recounting them.. Put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other.

Put them in operations.

If they are sleeping. Put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces.

Put them in information technology.

If they are sitting idle. Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved. Put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day.

Put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the window.

Put them on strategic planning.

And then last but not least. If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been

moved. Congratulate them and put them

in top management.

Spielberg method

2007-04-26T21:14:00.000-07:00

Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven
Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for
his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed
our Pearl Harbor , get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your
Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same,"replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says,"You sank the
Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not
me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
Technorati Profile

Soap opera

2007-04-26T21:09:00.000-07:00

….a cool love story!
There was a beautiful girl named Rexona and a hand some boy named Cinthol, Rexona & cinthol fell in love with each other. Rexona parents were Hamam & Margo, cinthol parents were wheel & Nirma, Rexona was very excited to make cinthol his "Life Boy".
They wished to marry and approach their aunt 501 who manages to convince them. Rexona & cinthol were very happy in their love they fixed their marriage at "Fair & lovely "garden opposite to Santoor theatre, Medimix city. They invited their friends Lux, Dove, Dettol, Savlon, Tide, Fa, Jo and others, Rexona and cinthol got married and lived Happily in their Dream land "PEARS" and after 1 year they got twins 'Johnson & Johnson'.`

Short Jokes

2007-04-26T21:05:00.000-07:00

Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants. Servant
it's already raining. Sardar: So what? Take an
umbrella and go.

Sardar wins 20 cr from Rs. 20 lottery ticket. Dealer
gave 11cr after
deducting tax. Angry Sardar: "Give me 20 cr or else
return my 20 Rs
back.

. Postman:- I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U This Packet
Sardar:- why did u come so far. Instead u could have
posted it....

Sardar's wish :when i die,i wana die like my grandpa who died
peacefully in his sleep not screaming like all the
passengers in the
car he was driving..

Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible
looking thing is
what you call modern art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!

Sardar was writing something very slowly.
Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?
Sardar: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast.

11. Flash news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a graveyard in punjab . Local
sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still
digging for more..

sardar! salam

2007-04-26T20:59:00.001-07:00

A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after
Every 10 sec a
woman gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her !.

Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence
into future tense.
Sardar: The future tense is "u will go to jail".

Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He was
not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary
Expected".
After much thought he wrote: Yes!

An Indian means..

2007-04-26T20:54:00.000-07:00

joke to a blonde? Never

2007-04-26T20:52:00.000-07:00

Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
===You've got mail
A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.

She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."

The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."

Blonde Wanted to buy That!

2007-04-26T20:50:00.000-07:00

I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks the clerk threre if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The Immidiately she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes!.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

creative way to kill Husband

2007-04-25T20:16:00.000-07:00

we serve pigs!!

2007-04-25T20:11:00.000-07:00

Customer : Waiter, do you serve pigs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.
* * *
Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

count eggs

2007-04-25T20:09:00.000-07:00

count chickens after making omlette!!

management by objectives

2007-04-25T20:06:00.000-07:00

An employee should always be motivated to work.

Pure Mathematics

2007-04-25T20:04:00.000-07:00

why men die for girls?

2007-04-25T20:02:00.000-07:00

5 management lessons

2007-04-25T19:49:00.000-07:00

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel, " After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time,you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure

Lesson 2:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure , why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,"but I haven't got the
energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story
BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 5:

A little bird was flying south for the Winter.It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

get well soon!!

a woman's liking

2007-04-25T19:46:00.000-07:00

A study conducted by UCLA (university of california, los angeles)'s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

Twins??

2007-04-25T19:38:00.000-07:00

The Walmart Greeing.
A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The WalMart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. Oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?

"I'm neither blind nor stupid," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

pencil art- art made with pencils

2007-02-26T21:25:00.000-08:00

for all

2006-10-24T03:32:00.000-07:00

jokes are very important to every person